Meeting Your Best Friend’s "Other" Friends
Who we decide to let into our inner circle should be chosen with an approach as pivotal as finding that one romantic partner. True friendships are imperative to a balanced and healthy life filled with a sense of safety and unconditional acceptance and love for being your authentic self. And when we are lucky enough to find that ride or die bestie it can be easy to feel a bit territorial at the mention of their “other” friends. But before you start saying “you can’t sit with us”, we have brought in relationship mentor, Kornelija Slunjski, to share some appropriate boundaries to set, as well as, her tips for self-preservation.
“It’s all coming down from our childhood and the messages we’ve been receiving since we were little. Women were fed this idea that if they tried just a little harder, or if they looked a certain way, they’d be accepted. We were always told we were not good enough the way we were, and that we need to work on ourselves to find that perfect someone, the missing piece. Again, you alone is ‘not enough’. And then you grow a little older, find your circle and you feel safe. You don’t want anyone coming in and potentially taking your place. So you bully that new girl out of your circle. Adult bullying is more common than it is talked about, but we need to understand that that all comes from insecurities. If someone sees you as a threat, that’s when the ‘ mean girl’ vibe comes out.”
Keep reading if you’re ready to shift your mindset and set those boundaries to ensure our energy and time is being invested in the right places.
You can’t control other people.
“But you can control yourself and how you react to them. And remember, confident women aren’t afraid to share their success. They understand someone else’s success doesn’t diminish their own. They want to grow together.”
Be as authentic as you can be.
“You can try to become their friend and show that you’re ‘not a threat,’ but as I said above, you can only control yourself and how you react. You can’t change someone’s opinion of you. You can only be as authentic as you can be, and if they don’t like you or they are making you feel uncomfortable, limit your interaction with them.”
Set clear boundaries.
“If faced with unapproachable behavior at a work place or somewhere you have to see that person all the time, you need to set clear boundaries. You need to stand up for yourself and be very clear what kind of behavior is not tolerated. Don’t gossip about them to your coworkers during lunch break, you don’t need that drama in your life, you have other stuff to focus on.”
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You CAN sit with us.
“I think you should try to be genuinely interested in people you meet, be friendly and kind to everyone. Your network is your net worth. You never know when you’ll cross paths again with someone. Imagine being bitchy towards a girl you met at a dinner party to later find out she could’ve helped you with your business, or maybe she’s the owner of that pilates studio you love to visit. Being mean never really works. You don’t want to be labeled as the ‘mean girl’. People will start avoiding you. This isn’t a high school movie where you look up to the mean girl and you wanna be her. In real life, people want to surround themselves with those who make them feel good about themselves.”
Sometimes less really is more.
“I honestly don’t suggest mixing friend groups. Don’t try to create one big happy family from all your girlfriends. I’m not saying it’s not possible, but there’s a higher chance of it not succeeding than vice versa. It’s like trying to mix up a few spices that untraditionally don’t go together. It could work if there’s the perfect ratio, but why force it? You’ll end up just running around trying to make sure everyone’s happy. And you’ll end up exhausted without any quality time spent with your girls. I’m sorry if this isn’t the answer you expected, but from my own personal experience, it rarely works.”
Invest wisely.
“People in general need to understand that they don’t need to be liked by everyone, and that is okay. If you have certain standards or opinions, there will always be someone who disagrees with you. But you don’t need to please everyone. You don’t even like everyone, so why try to have all of them like you?”
Know what you want in the company you keep and don’t forget to spot those green flags, even in friendships.